Imposter

With the end of production rapidly approaching for our first Game release, we’ve gotten to the next stage in production which is building a product page on Steam.

While waiting for it to go live, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to bring up Imposter Syndrome. If you don’t know it, google defines it so: ‘The persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.’ This affects a lot of people in and outside of Game Design, and I of course am one of them.

It’s something I struggled with a lot during my time in Game Design education, and also later on while working at a professional company as a Junior Game Designer. In general, I’m not great at receiving compliments. When I got praise for work I’d done as part of a team, I had no idea what to do with it. Most of the time I just didn’t believe it and brushed it off.

If I don’t get any compliments, it actually has less of an effect on me. Constructive criticism is an amazing tool. I love getting feedback so I can look at Designs from different viewpoints. I’ve noticed a lot of improvements in my work over the years.

If my hard work gets ignored completely, that’s another matter. It can be hard to get no recognition or feedback from weeks of exhausting work. That can 100% pile onto the Imposter feeling. Although as part of a bigger team, each persons work can get lost in the overall progression of the project. It’s just another thing to get used to.

The only time Imposter Syndrome hasn’t had a big effect on me, was when I was just too busy to even acknowledge it. That was a very strange sensation once I realized it. I honestly thought I’d gotten over it. Fat chance. Now it has come back stronger than ever. Why? I started to make the Steam page for Usagi Sekai: Bunny Shaman. It just felt wrong, I’m making my own Steam page to release a Game to the general public? It does not feel real, or even something that I should be doing. It honestly felt like I’m doing something illegal. Only ‘real’ companies can have games on Steam. I’m doubting myself, my capabilities and my worthiness to have a Shipped Game at all.

Hopefully, getting busy and not dwelling on the surreal situation will put the Imposter at the back of my mind again. I don’t want it to rule my life and work, I have many more Games I want to release! Thankfully I do currently have a good support network of colleagues and friends who help me with feedback and their opinions. They are people I can talk to with complete openness, and who understand my mental state. Without them, I wouldn’t be doing this. Thanks guys, you know who you are! <3    

ハンナ